I I I I I I I


Post Halloween and
Pre fortieth birthday, I
Reflect in haiku

Some critics say that
Itís not haiku if thereís no
Season. Yeah? Fuck them.

There are no bite sized
Snickers left. Only waxy
Tootsie Rolls, stale gum.

Too bad because I
Have really bad PMS
I want Snickers NOW!

Root through the house! Root
Through the kidís candy bag
And his bedroom, too.

No chocolate in
This house. Damn it all to hell.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn!

So, do my haiku 
Annoy the shit out of you?
I get paid for this!

Exactly two months
Until I turn forty so
Iím contemplative

I think to myself:
Self! Your ass is SO fat! How
Now you big old cow.

I think more deeply
Still: Will I ever own a car
Less than half my age?

Will I ever have
Sex again? Even really
Bad sex? Been so long.

My diaphragm has
Cobwebs. I am not making
This shit up. I swear.

See, the last guy, he
Cheated. What an asshole, right?
But I took him back.

Once I finally
Dumped his ass I was too burned
So I gave up men.

And I got really
Into dogs. Because dogs
donít Cheat. They lick themselves.

Once I asked Ross if
I should hit on a friend
And Ross said, "No, donít!"

He told me this rule:
If you take off your pants you
Ruin the friendship.

But some days I just
Want to scream, "Letís ruin this
friendship this second!!"

I just remembered 
The stupid holidays are
Coming. Crap, crap, crap.

Now we must endure:
Merry this and happy that
And shoppy shop shop

I hate Thanksgiving
And Christmas and gross turkey.
Santa is a fraud. 

Donít the rest of you
People suffer from Season- 
al depression, too?

I say Move Over
You big Turkey, and make room
in there for my head 

And who will I kiss
On New Yearís Eve? The dogs or
My thirteen year-old? 

Well, I guess I should
Quit my bitching now. Life is
Actually good. 

And besides, I found
A Butterfinger. Last one. 
Hope the kid wonít mind.

______
About the author:
Spike Gillespie is the author of All the Wrong Men and One Perfect Boy: A Memoir, the dotnovel thebelljar.net, and a collection of essays entitled, Surrender (but don't give yourself away): Old Cars, Found Hope and Other Cheap Tricks. Gillespie is a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist and her work has appeared in, among other places, The New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, National Geographic Traveler, GQ, Playboy and Elle, and online at Salon, Nerve, Oxygen, Underwire and AustinMama. She is a reformed circus poodle, a retired stripper (Crazy Lady, 1978-81) and mother to three spawn-of-satan mutts and one freakin' hilarious and very tall boy ("But remember, son, I'll always be wider than you...").  She is currently working on a novel about how utterly fucked up love can be (How novel indeed...). 

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I I I I I I I